It's odd to fall totally in love with someone. You want to do everything to make that person happy. As it turns out, even if you tell them about your faults, the other person never believes. My spouse and I both chose to keep personal details personal. After all, who would want to ruin a great relationship by introducing things that would spoil everything? Not me. I was recently out of a emotional and hard won relationship. I was trying to be the best ME I could be. That's certainly the way to attract a mate at 20. And I was feeling like I was running out of time. How strange in our day that I was feeling like an old maid at 20. I clearly had a different kind of influences than most of my contemporaries.
I was also a product of a strange divorce. I could recount my mom's desperate attempt to lure my dad back in. Little did she know he already had a mistress, and he never really wanted kids. So I was the product of a marriage gone bad in stages. I fixed her hair before she went out, and I listened to her cry herself to sleep when my dad went to sleep in another room.
I also was a victim of her ridicule during the same time. I was a preteen. I had social anxiety. I masked it with overly charismatic behavior. My mom continually said she would look for drugs. She continually accused me of things that I never would have thought of doing. I was a victim of the paranoia that she was directing at my dad.
I'm like the family martyr. Hated by all. Sacrifice to many. I was so smart, that I could be self sufficient. I could bear the burden of the adults, and the rejection by the same adults. I was used when I was useful and cast off when I had an opinion.
So, I entered into a marriage trying to be perfect. I did tell the prospective spouse that I was emotional, volatile, and prone to throw things. Sadly, we were madly in love for whatever reason.
I can't say that I have ever been happy with our marriage, but my unhappiness has grown from surface to fundamental concerns.
We have 4 kids. I have stayed home for 3 years. Been pregnant and breastfeeding for nearly 3 additional years. My husband has had the college credits for multiple degrees, but he never completes them. It's probably my fault for marrying a 30 year old man when I was 21, but I was in love. I still am in love with him as he exists outside responsibility.
How do I continue to love the bitter, frustrated man that has resulted from th reality of marriage, jobs, and 4 children. And how can I continue to like my life when the person I was so in love with does not?
